£427m fire sale to fix BlueCo mess as 12 Blues stars tipped for axe
In vain hope of the Chelsea clearout starting at the top we’ve cast an eye over what £1.8bn buys you in human assets and decided a deadwood fire sale is required this summer.
BlueCo are evidently the villains at what still purports to be a football club but an utter shambles of one as it’s been treated like a private equity experiment by the self-appointed smartest people in the room who have proven time again over their four-year reign that they are in fact the stupidest.
Many of their mistakes – but by no means all of them – have centred around a unique approach to the transfer market which has seen them spend an absurd amount of money on children to make Chelsea considerably worse at football.
The model has failed spectacularly and 12 of the current 26-man squad should be sold to make space for the next lorry load of teenage punts. They spent £427m on these chumps.
Robert Sanchez – SELL
The greatest exponent of false calm in football history. While he exudes composure, everyone except members of the opposite team set to benefit from his next inevitable mistake are in a state of sheer panic.
We’ve all tried to look as though we know what we’re doing in a job or situation without really having a clue and there’s logic to the ‘fake it til you make it’ strategy even in top-level football. But being a goalkeeper requires some anxiety; at the very least a bit of urgency.
Sanchez is far too cool and while this sounds like a big positive, also far too unfazed after making a mistake. It’s as though he needs to be slapped around the chops and told ‘that was your fault, mate’ and even then would dawdle painfully in possession and wait for a big gap between two opposition players to close before attempting to split them with an impossible eye-of-the-needle pass.
Filip Jorgensen – SELL
The implosion of Chelsea’s season can be traced back to his awful goal-gifting mistake against PSG in a chance to stake a claim for the No.1 spot that he fluffed spectacularly.
Incredible to think now that Chelsea were drawing 2-2 with PSG at the Parcs des Princes in the 74th minute less than two months ago and were arguably the better team before Jorgensen’s errant pass.
Including what turned into a 5-2 defeat on the night, Chelsea have lost eight of their ten games since in all competitions, conceding 20 goals and scoring nine, with seven of those coming against a Port Vale side that’s just been relegated to League Two. And it’s all Jorgensen’s fault.
Gabriel Slonina – SELL
He may only be 21 but if he can’t get a game ahead of Sanchez and Jorgensen there’s surely no hope.
Marc Cucurella – KEEP
Some of the fanbase may not have been all that enamoured with Cucurella breaking ranks during the international breakbut he was essentially voicing the very same opinions they will have been spouting over pints down the pub: owners don’t know what they’re doing; transfer policy makes no sense; shouldn’t have sacked Enzo Maresca.
He was truly awful in the defeat to Nottingham Forest but he remains one of the best one-on-one defenders in the Premier League and we have zero confidence in the various inadequate directors fetching a decent price for him if they did want him out.
Tosin Adarabioyo – KEEP
He’s 28 until he’s 29 and Chelsea need every ounce of experience to remain in the squad.
Benoit Badiashile – SELL
A once very promising central defender tipped to be the next big thing in the French national team has never truly recovered from Thierry Henry glaring at him to tuck his chair in.
Levi Colwill – KEEP
A huge miss this season forecasted by Maresca only for BlueCo to ignore his wishes for a replacement to Chelsea’s great cost. Grew into a serious centre-back in the second half of last season and displayed much-needed leadership qualities too.
Mamadou Sarr – SELL
Made a glaring error against Paris Saint-Germain and Chelsea have had innumerable centre-backs of late ‘with all the attributes’ like Sarr who have turned out to be absolute stinkers; there’s only space for one of those in the squad.
Jorrel Hato – KEEP
That one is Hato, and as fully paid up members of the Todd Boehly school of sporting directorshipthe Netherlands international gets the edge over Sarr on the basis of Arsenal being very keen before he signed for Chelsea. The Gunners have an outstanding recent record of signing defenders.
Trevoh Chalobah – KEEP
We’re willing to risk descending into ‘knows the club’ territory as we’re not wholly convinced Chalobah is a centre-back good enough for the level Chelsea hope to reach – y’know, the one they were at before BlueCo arrived.
But the BlueCo chiefs have also done sterling work to rip the soul out of the club through offloading academy graduates for ‘pure profit’ and Chalobah would at the very least be a very capable backup.
Wesley Fofana – SELL
We’re not sure what’s more laughable, Fofana’s agent ‘offering’ him to Barcelona or the La Liga giants ‘considering’ a move for a perennially injured centre-back who’s never looked close to the £40m player he was at Leicester, let alone a guy worth the £72m Chelsea actually paid for him.
Josh Acheampong – KEEP
One of very few positives for Chelsea to take from this season and used far too infrequently, to the extent where the 20-year-old is reportedly considering his options for the future. Tall, quick, reads the game well and he’s a delight with the ball at his feet, gliding through challenges to break the press.
Chelsea fans are forced to watch Marc Guehi (hilarious Everton blunder aside) star for Manchester City and England having not been given a chance at Stamford Bridge, and Acheampong has the talent to engender similar regrets when BlueCo sell him for £20m this summer.
Reece James – KEEP
A world class right-back and – as it turns out – a very accomplished central midfielder too. Signed a new contract last month having stayed fit for the majority of the season. It’s surely no coincidence that James picked up his hamstring injury at the start of this horror run.
Malo Wants – KEEP
We ummed and ahhed for a good while as his pathetic and lazy shirt pull on Taiwo Awoniyi in the embarrassing defeat to Forest offered ammo for those doubting whether Gusto has the mettle for Chelsea, but they would be hard pushed to find a better right-back willing to play second fiddle to James.
Dario Essugo – SELL
Honestly we have no idea if he’s any good or not, but going on BlueCo’s track record of signing players for £20m-odd we can say with some level of confidence that he won’t be good enough.
Andrey Santos – KEEP
A press-resistant midfielder who looks forward first; they’re a rare breed.
Moises Caicedo – KEEP
He looks a long, long way off the form that saw debates raging before the turn of the year over who was a better midfielder between him or Declan Ricebut those conversations even being held is testament to Caicedo’s ability at the base of midfield.
We hate to give BlueCo their dues, but getting him to sign a new deal was important at a point in the season when Caicedo and his agent might just have been keeping their ear to the ground for prospective buyers, of which there would have been plenty.
Romeo Lavia – SELL
He drops the shoulder to beat the press roughly twice per game to suggest he might just be the best midfielder in the world. But he too rarely fails to affect the game in a positive way, has been injured for the vast majority of his Chelsea career and there should be serious concerns over the lack of creativity in a Caicedo-Lavia midfield pairing.
Enzo Fernandez – SELL
Thirteen goals from midfield and there’s an inextricable link between Chelsea and Fernandez playing well this season. But he very clearly doesn’t want to be there, is also evidently a bit of a pr*ck and amid a financial crisis Chelsea could really do with what will be his sizeable transfer fee, if not the full £105m whack they paid for him. Take the hit and get him out.
Jamie Gittens – SELL
Any Chelsea fan would have told you within ten minutes of his debut that while Gittens may have the requisite quality to play for the Blues, he doesn’t have the character.
Now more than ever Chelsea need players who are going to fight and take games by the scruff of the neck and Gittens has the distinct whiff of a player who will roll over at the first sign of strife.
Alejandro Garnacho – SELL
Few will admit it now but plenty of people would have looked at £40m for Garnacho and seen it as decent business.
A 21-year-old winger who had already made 144 senior appearances for Manchester United, had eight caps for Argentina, shown himself capable of the extraordinary and was ‘untouchable’ a year before his acrimonious Old Trafford exit had the potential to be a star and should at the very least retain his value.
But we should never overlook the extraordinary degree to which young Manchester United stars are overratednor how Stamford Bridge has become an unparalleled landing spot for promising players to fail to reach their potential.
Pedro Neto – KEEP
Incredibly frustrating at times as Chelsea fans endlessly advise him to ‘beat your f***ing man’ as he turns back and plays a simple pass, but under the right coach he could be very, very useful.
Cole Palmer – KEEP
The form of a footballer we thought immune to pressure when he swanned in to Stamford Bridge and took the Premier League by storm has nosedived dramatically in an injury-hit season.
It’s really quite unpleasant to see Palmer not enjoying his football and amid reports claiming BlueCo will under no circumstances consider his sale to Manchester United or anyone else this summer, one of the first priorities for the new manager will be to work out how to get the very best out of him next season.
Estevao – KEEP
A breath of unpredictable fresh air and a possible future Ballon d’Or winnerpresumably away from Chelsea.
Marc Guiu – SEAL
Chelsea will likely get more than the £5m they paid, but it was a baffling move for Guiu to have made.
Joao Pedro – KEEP
His wonderful overhead kick in the 3-1 defeat to Nottingham Forest took him to 20 goals for the season to go with nine assists in a hugely impressive debut season for Chelsea, in which he’s maintained a high level while others around him have slumped, as evidenced by his market value rising from £43m to £65m.
An excellent all-round striker the likes of which Chelsea haven’t seen since Diego Costa was dismissed via Antonio Conte text message over eight years ago.
